I'm really angry today

I'm sure there's a million good reasons and if I told them right they might end up being funny. But instead I'm going to tell the story of my inner voice:

The other day I accidentally commented on my sister's friends post on facebook. It was a stupid comment and very random because I hadn't noticed that it wasn't her post. It's embarrassing because I sort of know who he is. Not because I've met him. No, that would almost be forgiveable. I saw him do silly videos for a major newspaper, which I guess makes him almost semi-famous and in turn makes me some sort of stupid stalker for making a random comment on a really stupid post.

In itself this is not a very interesting story, but I spent several hours in a pitiful little spiral of hate and self-hatred. I have an inner voice that never stops telling me what an idiot I am. It feels like stepping on your own toes while biting you lip, punching your own stomach and blushing furiously at the same time. It's memory is much better than my own and if I manage to go a few days without embarrassing myself, it'll just pull up something really bad I did when I was five.

Like the time I was in an amusement park with my aunt. You had to pay for each ride, and she'd bought us tickets for a crazy house with moving stairs. Inside I started running around like an idiot (despite the fact that I was too scared of the other kids and too physically awkward to be able to do anything fun) and then forgot where my aunt had said she'd be. I was suddenly sure she'd told me she'd be outside, so I ran out. She wasn't outside. I turned around to get back in only to be stopped by the guy at the door. He wanted my ticket. I didn't have one, my aunt was inside and I was feeling very small and stupid. I started crying and was going to explain to him what happened, but by the first sight of my tiny face going all red and whiny he let me back in where I found my aunt and was too busy crying to ever explain to her what had happened.

The look on the man's face as he let me back in has haunted me my entire life, though. It was tired, fed up. A sort of ”just get away from me and stop crying where I can see you” face, and I was always very ashamed of myself to have done something like that. Bothered a man at a door that is.

(I'm 24 years old and blushing at this memory)

Or like the time I said something really stupid. Yeah. That was dumb. Stupid stupid stupid dumb.